Category Archives: w/r/t work

Feb 1 2012

well now look what i found

Over the past month some people have been clearing out the space we use at work to store extra library shelving. I went over there the other to see how things were going. All the shelving was gone, which enabled me to notice a couple of large boxes tucked away up high.

They’d obviously been there for a long time, at least ten years. Probably more like twenty. There were labels on some of them, indicating that they’ve been shipped from Holland. Picture if you will my curiosity-meter spiking right at that moment.

So of course it was impossible for me not to pull the boxes down. And once they were down I saw that they were already open. And once I realized they were already open I saw that they were full of…

Little bottles of alcohol. Lots of little bottles of alcohol. From all over the world. Some had labels I couldn’t read, either because they’d faded or because they were in a language I don’t recognize. But the others…Scotch, Irish Whiskey, Gin, Vodka, and even little bottles of beer. None of the bottles I saw were open, but some of them had evaporated. That’s how long they’d been there.

At least two of the boxes appeared full of these. The others were full of little trinkets, incredibly clever devices meant to store – or perhaps secret – tiny bottles of alcohol. Most were ceramic and some were porcelain. They were painted by hand and seemed quite delicate, though I’m sure my impression was more about being worried that I’d break one.

The only one I felt comfortable handling was a tiny windmill that despite its size was capable of housing any of the small bottles of alcohol, and also had a wind-up music box that also made the mill rotate. It was amazing.

I’m not entirely clear why these were in storage or why anyone had sent them to the library. I didn’t want to give them up, though. I didn’t want to tell anyone about the boxes. They were such a cool find, not the alcohol as much as the little trinkets. They were so cool and so obviously not American and it would have been great to really be able to look through those on my own time. But such is the nature of work.

Oh well.

Jan 27 2012

writer’s block

We recently purchased five iPads for use in the library, which I’m quite proud of because I don’t honestly think it would have happened without my pushing for it and figuring out how we can circulate them to patrons. Probably because of this, it’s fallen to me to set these iPads up, train our staff on them, and prepare them for circulation.(1)

For a while I’ve been convinced that part of the reason for the wild popularity of Apple’s devices is because they’re so pretty, and it was easy, in the midst of all the soft angles and curves and lovely screens, to believe that I’m right on that one. Of course, I knew I was going to have to mar these Zen surfaces with barcodes. I was caught between wanting someone else to do it so I wouldn’t have to be the one to incur the Wrath of Jobs and wanting not to leave it up to philistines.

But when my boss asked me to write the name of our library on the backs of the iPads with indelible ink…I thought about just quitting right there. I tried to reason with her, that it wasn’t precisely necessary especially since we have Find my iPad activated on each of them. But it was a losing battle, and I knew it.

She also wanted to write on the front of the iPad, in one of the corners, on the glass but off the screen. I felt the big one coming on. I really did. People everywhere go on about the iPhone’s retina display, but personally I find the iPad’s screen much nicer to look at. So sullying that surface was so unimaginable to me that I deployed a strategy of bamboozlement. I tossed out the assertion that it wouldn’t work – the even indelible ink wouldn’t stay – and used worlds like oleophobic coating and ionic bonds and cations and electron exchange to support my claim. Which of course I have no idea if it was true or not. I finished up with that most flagrant – yet effective – of logical conclusion: “This isn’t regular glass. This is Gorilla Glass.“

Lame as that was, it worked. Whew.

But it still meant I had to write on the back of the iPad. I practiced on scrap paper with the verve of  a jr. high girl with a wicked crush. I tried every variation I could imagine, letter-spacing, font-size, arrangement, until I settled upon what I thought would look best. I reminded myself of my tendency to over-embellish(2) and cautioned myself against it. Then I took a deep breath…

And put pen to iPad.

Or, really, more like right above iPad.

And I sat there like that so long I had to take a picture of how ridiculous I was being about this.

I just couldn’t do it. There has been less hesitation with really poor, life-affecting decisions than the arrest I was experiencing here. One time a buddy of mine asked if I wanted to try a rope to his back bumper and ski behind him as he drove down the icy streets in the (obviously) small town in which I grew up. That happened  - including locating and tying the rope – in less time than this was taking.

I would think: ok…go! And nothing would happen. It was the inverse of so many cinematic comedic moments: rather than my hand doing things I don’t want it to do, it wasn’t doing something I was telling it to do.

And here I am again, honestly five minutes later…

I tried reminding myself that it’s just a device that it’s not alive that an object simply can’t possess beauty on this level. Because this was the same hesitation I experienced literally every time ever I’ve wanted to ask a girl out. I reminded myself that this is not the face that launched a thousand ships.

It wasn’t working.

So eventually I just closed my eyes and made a small dot on the back. The surface already marred by my hand, my only choice was to make the graffiti look as nice as possible. And I did. Slowly. And I thought, if nothing else, it’s at least a reminder that I did this: that I brought iPads to my people. Maybe it’s not quite on par with rescuing Jews from Egyptian slavery, but getting a state-funded university to pony up cash for this type of unnecessary purchase is at least as difficult as parting the Red Sea. And, unlike Moses, I didn’t have God on my side. Though maybe Jobs was.

  1.  The iPads, not the staff.
  2. Yes, I even over-embellish when it comes to penmanship. It’s a way of life, yo.
Jan 17 2012

why i will commence with the drinking early tonight

Patron: “Can I get the book for English 1100?”

Me: “Yes…There are several. Which do you need?”

“The one for English 1100.”

“Yes, I know. I have several books listed for that course. Which one is the one you need?”

“I don’t know.”

“Uhm…”

“I think it’s blue.”

“Okay…”

“No. That’s not it. Maybe it’s green.”

“…”

“It’s not the St. Martin’s Guide.”

“Yes. That was the blue one.”

“Well it’s not that.”

“Okay, but it helps if you know which one is the one you need.”

“Well I don’t.”

“Neither do I.”

“Ain’t you supposed to know?”

“Of the two of us, you have a better chance of knowing which book you need than I do.”

“You’re the library. You’re supposed to know.”

“No. You’re in the class. You’re supposed to know.”

“Well I don’t know.”

“And as much as I’d like to help you, there are literally thousands of books here and I simply cannot find the one you need without a bit more information.”

“I said it was the green one.“

“No you said maybe it was the green one. But even then, I need something like a title. An author.”

“It’s about how to write.”

“That doesn’t help me much.”

“Well fine. I just check out that one.”

“The blue one?”

“Yeah. Then when I fail I can say it’s cuz you checked the wrong book out to me.”

Jan 2 2012

last day

Fact: human beings are the only species that wakes up when they’re tired and lie down to sleep when they’re not.

iPhone alarm

Of course, we’re the only species who slaves away at a job every day. I’m sure there’s a connection.

My favorite thing about my vacation has been that I haven’t woken up to an alarm since Christmas Eve. It is absolutely amazing how your view of everything changes when you get a chance to sleep according to your own natural rhythms. You take the time to actually see things, to stare out the window, to take thirty seconds to really look at something, to consider it and think about it.

Additionally, I’d wake up and see that its was, say, 8:30AM and rather than feel I should get up and get some things done I felt maybe I should try to sleep until ten. Or so. There were nights I slept for six hours and felt just as rested as the days after I slept for ten. Presumably this is due to being well-rested on a mega-scale. In our hurried lives, we perceive being well-rested as a temporary state – lasting a day at most. But when you get a chance to just follow your own rhythms, even just a few hours’ sleep doesn’t jolt that relaxed feeling from your bones.

Sometimes I fell asleep at 2AM; sometimes it was more like 11PM. It didn’t matter. I had nothing really to wake up for and so no reason to press myself to go to bed. And had no reason to get this and this and this and that done quickly so that I could go to bed at a reasonable hour. Ashley pushed me a few times to take a nap with her and I’ll admit that I didn’t once do it. Naps don’t hold much appeal for me…but also, I didn’t feel I needed one. My goal was to spend my time doing what I wanted to do, and that included sleep.

Tomorrow morning, that ends.

And I will miss it. Greatly.

This is the last day of my vacation. I have loved every minute  of it and am a touch sad that it’s over.

Sigh.

But at least we finally got some decent snow.

a wintry scene

Dec 28 2011

christmas vacation

Because of the way the holidays fell this year, and because I work for a state institution,(1) I was able to invest three days of vacation time to get a return of 10 days off. Even though I’m trying to save up as much vacation-time as I can for our wedding and honeymoon, the thought of 10 days off was irresistible, even before I knew that the last few weeks would suck like a Jersey Shore/New Girl mashup.

So far my little Christmas vacation has gone even better than I’d hoped.

What makes it so awesome though isn’t that I don’t have to go to work and deal with the sort of crap I have to deal with(2) but that I have a ton of time to do…whatever.

Example: On Monday I spent the morning cleaning the house,(3) and in the afternoon Ashley and I just bummed around stores. We were like those loser fucking mallrat kids with no shopping agenda, except we weren’t in a mall. We roamed around from store to store, not really buying much of anything(4) but just looking at stuff. Bumming around stores really is one of her favorite things in the world to do. But usually after about two hours I get really antsy, not because of the other shoppers but because I have other things to do and only so much free time. But Monday was only day three of my Christmas vacation. Still plenty of time to relax.

Yesterday was cloudy and it did that sort-of rain/snow thing that is nature’s equivalent of soggy bread and was the only reason we needed not to go anywhere. Or even do anything. I’d say we spent at least 85% of the day in bed. We caught up on most of our Hulu shows. We watched the Gilmore Girls DVDs that were Ashley’s Christmas present to me which I kinda squeed over.(5) I played some Zelda on the 3DS whilst also sort-of watching Kevin Smith flicks that I’ve seen a million times. We made dinner. And also ordered pizza. It was awesome.

And let me also just add here that you know you’ve ended up with the right person when you can spend an entire day doing pretty much nothing at all with each other.

At this point is have 5.5 days left of my vacation. We don’t have much in the way of plans other than having a few guests over for dinner tomorrow and maybe bumming around Cleveland one of these days. And the traditional Christmas-lights-at-the-zoo for New Year’s Eve. Otherwise all I’m looking forward to is having a vast quantity of time to do as little as possible.

I still have plenty of time to have the hap-hap-happiest vacation since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny-fucking-Kaye.

  1. I should clarify that by institution I mean entity, not asylum. Usually.
  2. Not that that isn’t awesome, mind you.
  3. Leave me alone long enough and I clean stuff. Leave me alone even longer than that and I will rearrange something. And rearrange something while I wait.
  4. Though Ashley did get me a sweet set of ceramic kitchen canisters which I geek out about because they allow to me clean, organize and rearrange in one easy step.
  5. And yes yes first thing Tuesday morning, once the offices were open, I surrendered my man-card.
Dec 6 2011

strange day, redux

Holy hell. After yesterday I just didn’t think things could get any more odd.

I was wrong. So, so wrong.

The worst part of the day? I had to fire someone. It’s just not something you ever get used to. At least it isn’t for me. No matter how many times it comes to that end, no matter how many chances I’ve given someone and how many careful protocols I’ve followed, I always remember that time – just about five years ago now – when I myself was fired. In my case it was very unexpected (no warnings, no protocols) and it really made quite the mess of my life for six months or so.

And whenever I have to fire someone I always think of the worst part of those six months: the three days I went without any food. Granted, I’ve ballooned quite a bit, girth-wise, since those three ascetic days. But still. It stays with me. What that felt like. What it meant. How it happened.

And I worry. I worry I’m condemning someone to the same fate.

And then there’s the holidays. This is the second year in a row in which I’ve had to let someone go right around the holidays. Granted, these are college-age students and that’s a demographic that tends to bounce back relatively well. Yet I can’t shake the feeling that someone will not be able to get someone a gift, that there will be less happiness on Christmas because of me.

But that’s the problem, isn’t it? It’s not really because of me. I’ve never rashly fired anyone. There have been times I’ve given people second chances on their fourth chance. I can try and try and some people just don’t get it. Nevertheless, I hate when it comes to that end.

Sigh.

At least tomorrow there will be a delicious dinner to look forward to as we celebrate both my sister’s and Ashley’s birthdays (today and Thursday, respectively). And probably no one will get fired.

Probably.

Sep 1 2011

a tale of two supes

Lately I’ve been making an effort – a real, heart-felt, concentrated effort – to alter my general p.o.v. w/r/t my workplace. I’ve never really had the most positive of possible attitudes towards it. “I like my job,” I would say, “but I don’t like the place it’s in.” Going into a lot of detail on this point is fairly unnecessary; suffice it to say that I’m not putting myself through the work involved in grad courses simply because I enjoy having zilch in the way of free time.

And so but I’ve been trying. It’s really tough to change, overnight or even over a fortnight, your view and attitude towards your colleagues. People just sometimes rub each other the wrong way. The unfortunate part about work is that you’re forced into situations repeatedly with people whom you’d simply just walk away from in any other social venue. And just because I personally am making an effort at a 180-degree turn in workplace-perspective,(1) doesn’t mean that person A isn’t a windbag and person B suddenly stops spending a ridiculous amount of time on the phone regaling persons unknown with overly dramatic versions of yesterday’s personal events and person C isn’t pathologically useless when it comes at least to doing her actual job.

Obviously, another point of focus had to be found. So I made the decision that I would treat our patrons and the area of the library that is my bailiwick with the same care, respect, attention and attitude that the cast members at Walt Disney World treat their guests.(2) If you’ve never been there, I can’t explain it to you any better than to say that as busy as that place is – of the thousands and thousands of people who are there every single day – it is The Cleanest Place on Earth.(3) That’s the attitude I’ve been trying to carry with me.

Whether anyone’s noticed or not isn’t really my concern. What matters is that I’ve noticed a change in my own attitude. Turns out that – just like any other time – when you focus on what matters you can let a lot of other crap just bounce right off of you.

Mostly.

The past few weeks I’ve felt like this:

But yesterday I felt more like this:

Sigh. And I don’t even have the energy to fight with myself in a junkyard.

  1. I’ll settle for a 90-degree change. Even 45.
  2. ‘Cast member’ is Disney-speak for employee; ‘guest’ is ‘customer.’ I’ve wondered if the first part of training – sorry, Traditions - is a Disney thesaurus.
  3. I’ll add also that something like 70- or 80-percent of all guests are return visitors.
Aug 24 2011

no thanks. i’m really good at super-sizing myself.

There’s a TEDx conference here on campus in a few weeks that I think will be pretty cool. Here’s some info from the website:

TED is a nonprofit organization devoted to Ideas Worth Spreading. Started as a four-day conference in California 25 years ago, TED has grown to support those world-changing ideas with multiple initiatives. The annual TED Conference invites the world’s leading thinkers and doers to speak for 18 minutes.

Sounds awesome, right? A conference devoted to creative thinking? Can I get a ‘hell yeah?!’ I jumped at the chance to be a part of this.(1)

Except:

From the offer I was just given, these purportedly creative thinkers somehow believe that everyone in the world can fit into either a small, medium, or large t-shirt. It’s like they’ve never gone to Walmart. Or a food-court. Or outside.

America is a country obsessively devoted to the pursuit of happiness, so much so that we fail to know what to do when we’ve attained happiness. As in like we’ve had a pleasant meal and our stomachs are full. We’re satiated, yet we actively continue to pursue happiness and order dessert.(2) So there are a lot of incredibly overweight people around here.

Including yours truly, of course. Which I had to openly admit to in responding to the email inquiring as to which too-small t-shirt I might like to have free of charge:

If they make them in 3- or 4X, I’ll take one. If not, don’t worry about it. I’ve spent my entire life avoiding at all cost special consideration from others simply because I can’t seem to put the fork down.

It’s bad enough that I pretty much never take my shirt off in public(3) and am even incredibly self-conscious about it in private.(4) That I’m forced to cop to my own corpulence at work is a low point amongst low-points. That I’m offered the choice of a) taking a t-shirt too small for me to wear or b) making someone go out of their way to get the fat man something he can use is just embarrassing.

I’m going to have to gorge myself tonight in order to cope with the stress these creative thinkers have caused me. So thanks, TEDx. The next ten pounds are on you, damn you.

  1. Even though it does technically qualify as professional development, something I try to avoid with the same determination as I might avoid a leper peddling leggings covered with smallpox.
  2. I know this from pure experience, my friends.
  3. I’m certain the real reason they made everyone get out of the water at Disney’s Blizzard Beach when we were there was just in the hope that I would put my shirt back on and/or leave.
  4. I avoid mirrors like old movie-vampires.
Jun 12 2011

it should be totally legal to say ‘that’s what she said’ in a work-setting because there are a ton of opportunies

Such as this one:

So I was walking down this aisle the other day pushing a flatbed cart. There was a woman walking towards me, clearly needing to pass down the same aisle. She was carrying something that I didn’t see clearly but didn’t seem all that heavy. Nevertheless, I moved to the side so she could pass. I wished her a good morning and told her to go on by. And then she said the dirtiest thing anyone’s every said to me, maybe even including things people’ve said outside of work:

‘Oh no. You’ve got that big thing there and I just have this little box.’

I mean: really? Really?

Listen: I’ve been in plenty of settings in which there are ample opportunities for that’s-what-she-said moments. If you’ve ever been in a band or worked construction, you know what I mean. But I have never, never been presented with a chance for a T-W-S-S-zinger like that one. I mean, it was sheer perfection!

But unless you’re Michael Scott you simply can’t get away with it in the workplace.

So what do we need to do to change this? What has to happen to get any and all that’s-what-she-saids exempted from sexual-harassment claims? You know how some people will say something and then when someone seems moderately offended the original person says, ‘But I was just saying!’ as though that phrase means whatever came before it didn’t intend offense. That’s what a well-played that’s-what-she-said should do.

But only the well-played ones, of course.

It’ll only help to introduce a bit of levity and perhaps just a bit of friendly awkwardness into the workplace. And it honestly will help guys like me enjoy their jobs a bit more.

And that’s all I’m after here: making work suck less.