Category Archives: w/r/t writing

May 14 2012

why i’m not a great novelist

Because I like to feel as though I’m part of at least some kind of literary crowd, I follow both John Green and Neil Gaiman on Tumblr.(1) At different points today they both posted(2) the following image, though the image links through to its original source.

According to my buddies John and Neil, this is fairly accurate. Neil says that really you only need that last panel, but, you know, leave it to Neil to say something like that. I’ll have to take the piss out on him later at the pub.

This comic is great because it explains succinctly why I’m not a novelist. And since everything else more-or-less fits, we only have to examine panels 6, 7 and 9.

Panel 6: Loyal Pet

Oh I have pets. I sure do. As I write this sentence there are eight pets within six feet of me. The problem? They’re all cats. And while cats make wonderful companions, they aren’t exactly the first in line when it comes to swearing oaths of fealty. So obviously before I can be a novelist I need to get a dog. Or I don’t know; I hear horses are loyal. Basically any animal I don’t have to worry would stab me in the back for a huge bag of catnip would suffice.

Panel 7: Neglected spouse

I  don’t have a spouse at the moment, though of course Ashley’s agreed to take the job. The problem is that she’s not neglected.(3) In fact, she probably gets way more attention than she wants from me. And, frankly, if that’s the price of being a great novelist, I’ll settle for being a horrible novelist. Or even mediocre. I’ve been a neglected spouse in the past and let me tell you: the loneliest feeling in the world is when the person who promised to love you forever will still love you forever but doesn’t like you at all. No way is Ashley going through that. Not on my watch, not for any reason. So writing and I will have to come to a compromise on that one.

Panel 9: Years of boring hard work

Neil’s right, of course. This is the only panel that really matters. Being a great fiction writer requires an enormous amount of hard work and, ironically, it’s also the easiest thing in the world to not do. Oh work was rough today. Oh I’m so worn out. I really need to spend more time with my meth lab. Excuses are cheap and easy to come by, to precisely the same degree as bad writing.

It used to be that I’d spend more time writing than doing anything else during any given day. I got out of that habit in fairly short order and, truth be told, I miss it. I’m not unskilled – I’ll admit it – as a writer; I lack the discipline though. I can control many things in my life, but when it comes to sitting down to write I’m about as disciplined as Hunter S. Thompson’s rapid pet monkey on a bender in Vegas.

This is why I’m not a great novelist. This is why I’m not a novelist at all. I work on this blog to make myself feel a bit more like a writer and, while I love blogging, it’s an ersatz replacement.(4) I miss the days when I felt like a writer, when I was part of a real literary community. When I sat down and did the work. Just as much as I miss the days when I didn’t whine about not being a writer.

And it is whining, make no mistake.

  1. They know me as that guy who’s pathologically needy and faux-erudite comments at every turn.
  2. Does one post to Tumblr? Or does one tumbl on Tumblr? I’m terribly confused about this.
  3. At least, I’m pretty sure she’s not. Let me go let her out of her cage and ask.
  4. Like when they went back to the original Becky on Rosanne. Because everyone knows Sarah Chalke is way better than what’s-her-name.
Apr 20 2011

of the preceding silence

Yeah so after about four solid months of daily posts from yours truly, I haven’t posted anything in over a week. I do feel at least marginally guilty about this. Not quite a guilty as I feel about having eaten pretty much an entire box of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes in less than a week, but at least the blog-guilt can be assuaged by eating more Little Debbie Zebra Cakes. The L.D.Z.C.-guilt, obviously, will live on.

But here’s the thing: it’s not like I haven’t been writing. In fact, I’ve been writing a lot. I have a shortish first draft pretty much done and maybe even ready for external input from a few choice friends. I have another, probably longish story, in the works – as in like a solid ten pages already done – and it has happily come alive on the page. This is the magic of fiction-writing; when something you create sort-of starts to breathe it really honestly becomes like a whole world to you. This story’s become my weekend story. I work on it in the A.M. whilst Ashley is still sleeping and after I’ve successfully narcotized the kitten with food.

During the week, during breaks at work and in the evening, I’ve been touching up the little story and also prepping and researching the longer story. This way I’m all set to go on Saturday morning.

The past couple of days I’ve also been working on a blog post, something to help me work through something I’ve been having a hard time with. I more-or-less finished it yesterday and went here to post it over the next three days(1) but it occurred to me this morning it could re-work into fiction. I’m not sure how, yet, but I’m sure it can be done. So I’m keeping that one for myself, at least unless the fiction-attempt falls apart.

Instead you get this lame apology and admission of L.D.Z.C. consumption and a heartfelt promise that I’ll work on getting back to posting every day. I enjoyed it, really. I only stopped because I found myself writing other things and didn’t want the distraction. But I’ll work on it. Right after I get back from the grocery store with a box of cheap, high-sucrose confectionary delight.

  1.  It’d be a ridiculously long blog post, but can’t really be trimmed.
Apr 10 2011

well and there went that

I forgot to blog yesterday. So my goal of posting every single day in 2011 will forever be unattained. Well damn.

But I also sort of didn’t forget.I talked here on Friday about feeling like a failure re: not-writing. I’d drafted a paragraph but later omitted it about how when I spend some time writing in the morning I feel totally okay and way less pressured and guilty about however else I spend the rest of my day. After I spent a fair amount of AM time writing yesterday I had no problem with doing everything else I did yesterday.

So when at some point in the evening, as we were hanging out with Ashley’s family, I realized I hadn’t blogged yet, I also realized I didn’t care too much. I didn’t feel the need to write here because I’d already written for myself.

Not that I plan to stop blogging,(1) but it was nice yesterday to say hey I’ve already written something today. And it’s nice to say that today but still to choose to blog. And it’s nice to know that whatever I do today I’ll do it writing-guilt-free.

  1. I’ve just spent about two hours writing this morning and here I am blogging, so there’s some proof.
Mar 16 2011

thrice fiction

Dave has been teasing us for a little while now about some project he was working on that he’d be announcing soon. Now, to be honest, Dave is the kind of guy about whom you like the idea of him teasing you. So I didn’t mind and, because he’s so good it at, I found myself getting pretty excited.

But when he finally today stopped teasing and revealed the fruit of his (and others’) work, I was way more excited than I anticipated. Maybe even thrice excited.

It’s been years since I read literary mags with any regularity, but I’m looking forward to when I have the time to read Thrice Fiction later today. See, because Dave and his friends are awesome, they’re offering digital copies of this sweet rag for free.

So, stop reading my doggeral and hie thee to their website.1 Download it now and read something new today. And be sure to check out Dave’s artwork in the mag. He’s an amazing graphic designer and I honestly tune into his blog for Li’l Dave and Bad Monkey as much as for Dave himself.

  1. You can also find Thrice Fiction on Facebook and Twitter.
Mar 15 2011

writing rules

It’s back.

That urge to write.

Well okay. The urge is always there. It’s the actual initiative that kinda comes and goes.

But well, here’s hoping it stays.

At any rate, I’ve been reading more blogs about writing lately and today I came across this one about Jonathan Franzen’s rules for writing. I kinda hate these lists, partially because there are so many of them and partially because creative writing teachers hold to them like dogmatic zombies.

So, perhaps paradoxically, I’ve made a list of my own.

Lest you feed me to the maw of hypocrisy, I want to point out that while I am putting this list here for everyone to read1 it is not meant at all to be prescriptive. This is a list for me, something I intend to stick with. The point of posting it is that you don’t need to be Mr. Jonathan Franzen to create set of rules for writing. Make your own list. It’s far more likely to work for you anyway.

Well anyway. Here it is:

Bo’s Non-Prescriptive Rules for Writing Fiction and Even Probably also Non-Fiction though I’ll Say I’ve not Tested it in any Non-Fiction Kind of Way So Please Handle with Care in that Regard

  1. It is literally impossible these days for any writing to be wholly new. Don’t be afraid to be derivative. But do it out of love, not mockery. And certainly not because you don’t know any other way.
  2. The reader is not a friend; really it’s more like you’re a matchmaker between the reader and what you’ve written.
  3. In fact, never confuse you yourself with what you’ve written.
  4. Realism has its place. Surrealism has its place. Everything in between also has a place. Choose what to you accurately reflects your world and roll with it, even if it’s a mixture of styles.
  5. Let the reader know that you’re not afraid to feel things.
  6. Everything is up for grabs, metaphor-wise. Check out David Lynch’s movies for lessons in non-traditional metaphor.
  7. During your everyday pursuits, let your under-mind think about what you’re writing. It’ll surprise and excite you.
  8. The one thing every writer will advise is that you write every day. Only you can make this mandatory.
  9. Absolutely nothing your write will be seen by anyone else unless you let it be.
  10. Don’t let another writer tell you how to write. Since writers are extraordinary people, since they are neurotic and selfish, what works for them has a next-to-nil chance of working for you.
  1. Which let’s face it isn’t that many people any way.